As my computer mouse hovered over the “buy subscription” button for my potential blog domain, I found myself verbally assaulting my husband with reasons why I was justified to click the button. “Will this be worth it?” I heard myself ask out loud. While I was actually referring to the price tag, there was a hint of existentialism hidden there, so he just smiled at me and nodded (the way he does when he knows I’m not really looking for his input). Don’t worry, I ask him for his input plenty of other times, even to the point of exhaustion… (Just ask him about our youngest daughters birth story). But as soon as the words left my mouth, I knew. It was here. Self doubt, my old friend.
How many times have you had an idea pop into your head, and thought “yes! This is such a good idea, why didn’t I think of this sooner?” only to find yourself days later wondering what you were even thinking. How many times have you gone to the nail salon, dead set on black, but left with nude. How many times have you gotten a trim when you had intentions of changing your look completely? How many times have you found yourself not applying for a job, not going to that yoga class, not hiking alone, not making friends… all because you doubted your own capabilities? This isn’t just a me thing, is it? If there is one thing I know about “adulthood” (I use that term so loosely because holy crap, am I seriously an adult???), it is that self-doubt can often times control how so many of us view ourselves… but it shouldn’t. A couple of years ago one of my new years resolutions was to do things in the moment that I thought about it. If the thought to call someone crossed my mind, I tried to do it right then and there, rather than put it off for another time. If I suddenly remembered that I wanted to clean the car, I walked outside with a garbage bag and some armor-all. I was trying to bury one of my even older friends, Procrastination. And you know what? It actually worked. Eventually I retrained myself to not wait on things. I recited cheesy mantras like “if it’s important to you, you’ll make time, if it isn’t you’ll make an excuse” over and over to myself daily to hold myself accountable. But as time has gone on I have realized that while, yes, I do have a better grasp on my procrastination problem, self doubt can still walk right into my life and hold me hostage where I should be able to run free. The two go together, so if you are going to take one head on, you have to deal with the other. You can’t cut corners on that part.
As a parent, I have questioned my abilities ten fold. Before you have a child, you are free to make judgments and assumptions about how you will parent. But as soon as a little person is entrusted into your care, you feel it. You start to wonder if you are really cut out for it. I remember leaving the hospital, and thinking “if my mom wasn’t here right now I would think these doctors and nurses are out of their minds letting us leave with this baby!” I truly wasn’t sure I could do it now that I had to. And to some extent that whole “who thought it was okay to trust me with a real life little human” feeling doesn’t ever really go away. Self doubt is always there in the back of your mind when it comes to parenting, nagging at you, making you question your choices. Am I totally messing up their sense of self? Should I be doing more? Should I be doing less? If I go to work, will that take away from the dynamic we have created? If I don’t go to work will I create an unsustainable dependence on my presence? There comes a point where as a parent (or guardian, or role model) you have to realize that all you can do is try your hardest to guide your little ones in a way that will allow them to learn how to find the tools that will help them push past that voice (even if you struggle to do it yourself). Because one day you wont be here to do everything for them, and they will need to know how to move forward even when they think they can’t. The caveat is that children learn by watching, and if they constantly see their hero throw up their hands, or never try to reach for more, that is exactly what they will do. I don’t know about you, but that thought alone is enough to kick me in the ass and make me face any and all struggles.
And so here we are, self-doubt and me… still casually hanging out. While I am trying to develop a graceful exit plan, I find us sitting together, shrugging our shoulders when one of us asks if we have what it takes to do *enter literally anything here*. The truth is, I wanted to start a blog early last year. Yeah. It took me over a year to actually pull the trigger on this. And why? I’ve had a few people here and there tell me they would love to hear more of my voice, or they would love to follow along with our family, etc. So what has been stopping me? What’s the big deal? Self-doubt has this weird way of making you think that you can’t possibly “do it all.” But you can. You can definitely do it all. It just takes faith in you. It is okay to be scared. It is okay to question your own choices. What’s not okay, is not trying. Because really, what is the worst thing that could happen if you push through your self-doubt? Failure? If things don’t go the way you imagined, that is a whole lot better than having to wonder about it. Maybe no one will read this blog, maybe only my mom and grandma will (hey Mom, hey Abuela!). But hey, at least I did it. I’m one step closer to doing all of the other things I never thought I could because of this simple little space here on the Internet. Anything is possible, not only when you believe, but when you try.
If you made it this far I just want to take a minute to say THANK YOU for reading. I am hopeful that this space will be a place where I can dig a little deeper, as well as be a landing place for others to know they are not alone. And hey, in the event that you are not completely here for my ramblings, but instead just like to see pictures of my cute ass kids growing up, just know, you are welcome here too, and I will be making sure to use this space as a glimpse into our family life by talking about our adventures together, our milestones, our wins and our losses. Also, I am still learning the ins and outs of blogging and websites, so bear with me. I hope you guys enjoy following along, and again, thank you for even visiting!