Thinking of making babies? YAY!
Trust me when I say, becoming a parent has been the absolute best thing I ever did. I am who I am because of them. Literally any cliché’ thing you have EVER read about the way your heart grows when you go down the path of parenting – I one hundred thousand percent agree. I mean, guys, I actually cry sometimes now. Tears. Real Ones. No icebox here (if you know that song reference, I love you). Real talk – kids? They are the light, they are the joy bringers, they know how to make you smile even when you didn’t know you needed it.
BUT! I have to be honest… The parents who had kids before me, they were hiding things. Once I became a parent, it became glaringly obvious that people had been leaving things out. When they smiled and said “Your baby is SO precious! Time flies, savor those newborn snuggles” they really did mean it, (and by all that is holy, if you have a baby please do it, baby snuggles are the best snuggles) but they also kind of thought “better you than me, pal.” Why? Because! There are things you don’t know, until you know. The beans I’m about to spill are arguably some that every parent knows. Which kind of makes this post a digital high-five for my fellow mom’s and dad’s out there. But for everyone else, you know i’m all about telling the truth, and I need to come clean. Sure, we all know kids can be cranky, and they wake up a lot, and we have all heard about the mythical tantrum (you know, the ones your kids are never going to throw) but there’s more. There’s so much more.
- Be prepared to possibly have to hug them when they are sitting on the toilet or while they are throwing up. Gross, but true. Sometimes all you have to offer is exactly what they need.
- They figure you out quicker than you figure them out. Our kids had us both figured out around the 4th week of life. The same cannot be said for us.
- Backwash. They literally never figure out how to drink things with out pushing their spit back into the cup. Okay, I guess at some point they do, but we’re not there yet. Obviously.
- Bodily fluids, in general. One day you’re gonna put your nose dangerously close to something hoping it’s not a bodily fluid, and you will be wrong.
- Guilt about literally everything, even stuff that makes no sense.
- The worst parts of you will surface in your child. Were you loud and obnoxious as a teenager? Painfully shy as a child? Do you suffer from resting b*tch face? Guess what, they get the ultimate data dump and will do all of those things you have worked so hard to get past. To be fair, they don’t know how to control that yet, meanwhile you’ve had years of practice.
- Whether you breastfeed or not, you no longer own your body, same goes for dad.
- Speaking of things that are no longer yours, you can add your bed to that list. Even if you choose not to co-sleep, they will think your bed is the end all be all on the list of “cool places to hang out.” Their bed bounces, but not as bouncy as yours. Their bed is comfy to hang out in, but not as comfy as yours. Can’t find your kid? Look in your bed.
- They pull on everything. Curtains. Necklaces. Earrings. Clothes. This is why you see us walking around in workout clothes and pj’s all the time. It’s not because we are lazy, it’s because we don’t want to risk our shirts getting all stretched out. Or worse.
- Their cold is your cold, you might as well kiss your whole “I never get sick” bravado goodbye. You’re going to get sick, and it will be almost every time they do. Oh, and no one takes care of the grown up. Tough luck.
- You have to cook FOR EVERY MEAL. No skipping allowed, or else you’re going to be hearing “I want a snack” ALL. DAY. LONG.
- Wiping butts. And noses. For way longer than you expected.
- You will likely forget all of this, and want to do it again. And again. Because who can resist those tiny perfect faces. Even when they do suffer from one of the most intense RBF’s you’ve ever come across.