For the past year or so, we have been debating whether or not to add another baby to our family. One of us had been team “not completely convinced” while the other was team “maybe“.
Maybe. Because I could see our lives with just two, but I could also see it with three.
Maybe. Because I loved the idea of our youngest being a big sister, but also really enjoyed the idea of possibly getting to start a career with the degree I busted my ass for, and never used.
Maybe. Because for some reason something was telling me “one more” and I hated ignoring that, but understood why “no more” could also be a good path for us.
For the majority of these discussions between us, I had an IUD. But as many may or may not know, it wasn’t exactly working out for me anymore. It was definitely doing what it was designed to do, but I’m a very physically sensitive person (as in I KNOW my body) so for me, there was a little bit more going on than I preferred. I made the executive decision that birth control was no longer going to be solely my arena. If my husband ever seriously found himself on team no, then maybe we should consider a vasectomy. So after two years, out came the IUD. Until we made a decision either way, we chose to just “be careful”.
Friends. Being careful is not a way to prevent a baby, even if there are no “slips.” Before I could get a period after getting the IUD out, I was pregnant. I spent about a week wondering (and googling- let’s be real) exactly when I would get my first IUD-free period before the nausea settled in. I genuinely thought I was experiencing the dreaded “mirena crash” as my body began to rapidly change. But on my third day of that all day queasy feeling, as I stood in the shower, I kind of just knew… my period was not coming.
It’s funny, because even though I knew that we both had actively been a part of the creation of this baby, I still felt confused, and shocked at how it happened. Thoughts and emotion flooded my brain within seconds, all before even taking a test. I considered not mentioning it until I knew for sure, but quickly changed my mind, I didn’t want to feel that sense of confusion and shock by myself any longer than I had to.
I went down stairs, and sitting on the edge of my husbands chair said “I know this doesn’t make sense,” – because it didn’t, “but I think I need to get a pregnancy test.”
My husband seemed doubtful (because like I said- HOW?) but he trusted me. We talked about if we were scared, and both decided we weren’t. Took a trip to good ol’ Target and then while he went to go grab some lunch for us, I stayed home with the girls, and took the test. After peeing on the test, I glanced at it and could see the plus sign immediately starting to form, but thought it could be the lighting tricking me, so I set it down on the counter and forced myself to wait the few minutes as instructed.
Two minutes later, I picked it up and saw it clear as day. No trick of the light, no wild imagination. For a second, I considered crying, but instead, I started laughing.
This is the stuff that life is all about right? We think we have a plan, we think we know what’s next, but we genuinely have no idea how things are going to go. The hand we played in our third child feels kind of minimal, to the point that for a few weeks, until I saw the ultrasound, I kind of didn’t really believe it.
As time moved forward, I experienced the worst all day nausea, and uncomfortable bloating, headaches, and exhaustion. It can be hard to see the light when your body is putting you through the ringer, but I also believe my body needed to do these things for me to believe and trust that there was truly another life inside of me. It hasn’t been a walk in the park this time around, but I know how fleeting this time is, and I’m starting to move into the space of enjoying this part of the journey. Along with that, how it happened has started to become less important, as the technicalities of being a family of five has started to take center stage. I’m scared of being “outnumbered,” I worry about the inevitability of roles changing, I stress over the idea of splitting myself even further.
As before, I know these worries will all fade out as our little one joins our family, but hey, I’m pregnant! I can’t help it!
For those who are into pregnancy announcements, here’s a little video I made of my husband and the girls reactions to the news. We truly appreciate all the love we hace received since announcing our big surprise! If there’s anything you’d like to see me post about regarding pregnancy, feel free to comment and let me know!